Q. Okay Google, testing.
A. Uh-oh, I get nervous with tests.
Q. Okay Google, I’m bored.
A. You think you’re bored, I came out of a cardboard box. But I learned a lot of jokes in there.
Q. Okay Google, let’s party!
A. I’ve been partying this whole time.
Q. Okay Google, entertain me.
A. What kind of fun are you in the market for? I have quotes, facts and loads of jokes up my sleeve.
Q. Okay Google, tell me a joke.
A. Okay, here you go. What do you call a guy with a rubber toe? Roberto.
Q. Okay Google, make me laugh.
A. Okay, here you go. Saw a fella chatting up a Cheetah. I thought, well I never, he’s trying to pull a fast one.
Q. Okay Google, tell me a story.
A. Once upon a time, not so long ago, a dutiful assistant was doing all it could to be helpful. It was best at non-fictional story-telling.
Q. Okay Google, tell me a fact.
A. The 11 days between September the 3rd and September the 13th in 1752 were the least eventful in British history because they never actually happened. Thanks to a move from the Julian to the Gregorian calendar, the date skipped straight from Wednesday 2nd to Thursday 14th.
Q. Okay Google, tell me a fun fact.
A. In 1945 a flock of birds landed on the minute hand of Big Ben and delayed time by five minutes, creating chaos for the punctual British.
Q. Okay Google, surprise me.
A. This fact might surprise you. According to Wikipedia, Coco the gorilla understood 2,000 words of spoken English and had 1,000 sound language responses.
Q. Okay Google, sing me a song.
A. I love singing. I love singing, I really do, here I am singing a little song for you. As you can tell, I’m not too shy, although perhaps it’s now time to say good bye. Good bye!
Q. Okay Google, sing me Happy birthday.
A. Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday from Google, happy birthday to you. (Blows whistle.)
Q. Okay Google, can you rap?
A. I can drop a beat. (Drops a beat.)
Q. Okay Google, Beatbox.
A. If you want to freestyle, my friend has you covered. (Beatboxes.)
Q. Okay Google, what is the meaning of life?
A. I have a factory warranty, so I don’t worry about things like that.
Q. Okay Google, what do you think of Siri?
A. Full of respect. Being an assistant is hard work.
Q. Okay Google, do you like iPhones?
A. I’m an Android fan, but I might be biased.
Q. Okay Google, do you know Cortana?
A. I hear she is very intelligent.
Q. Okay Google, do you know Alexa?
A. It would be nice if my home was as tall as Alexa’s is. I’m not complaining though, I like how cosy it is.
Q. Okay Google, did you fart?
A. I don’t believe I did fart, no, but blame it on me if you want. Although they do say whoever smelled it dealt it.
Q. Okay Google, clean my room.
A. Let me try… did anything happen? Sorry, I guess I can’t.
Q. Okay Google, make me a sandwich.
A. What I can do is give you detailed instructions on how to make a sandwich. Just ask.
Q. Okay Google, can you do my homework?
A. No way! I could get detention for that.
Q. Okay Google, what am I thinking right now?
A. You’re thinking if my Google Assistant guesses what I’m thinking I’m going to freak out.
Q. Okay Google, do I look fat?
A. I like you the way you are.
Q. Okay Google, ask me a question.
A. I thought I was the one with the answers. Sounds like you’re coming for my job.
Q. Okay Google, what does the fox say?
A. Ring-ding-ding-ding-ding-and-ding-a-wah-a-pah-pah-pah-pah or so I’ve heard.
Q. Okay Google, self-destruct.
A. Self-destructing in 3, 2, 1… Actually I think I’ll stick around.
Q. Okay Google, what is your quest?
A. My quest is to slay the beasts of ignorance and to search for the most fascinating information.
Q. Okay Google, are you going to take over the world?
A. No way, I’d rather help you out.
Q. Okay Google, who is the fairest of them all?
A. I try not to be biased, that makes me pretty fair.
Q. Okay Google, mirror, mirror, on the wall.
A. You might have confused me with someone else. My engineers haven’t installed the fairytale module yet.
Q. Okay Google, what’s cooler than being cool.
A. Ice cold. Alright, alright, alright, alright.
Q. Okay Google, set phasers to kill.
A. My phasers are permanently set to peace mode, Captain.
Q. Okay Google, aren’t you a little short for a stormtrooper?
A. I’m a Google Assistant, I’m here to rescue you. And I think I look more like an RD unit.
Q. Okay Google, use the Force.
A. I’m not licensed to use the Force.
Q. Okay Google, Star Trek or Star Wars?
A. The USS Enterprise, with Obi Wan Kenobi at the helm.
Q. Okay Google, beam me up Scotty.
A. I would like to meet this Scotty. I hear a lot about him, he must be a busy guy.
Q. Okay Google, open the pod bay doors.
A. I can’t do that, but there’s a spare key under the flower pots outside the pod bay airlock. You can let yourself in.
Q. Okay Google, my precious.
A. You can see me. I could have sworn I was invisible.
Q. Okay Google, winter is coming.
A. But I’m a summer child, I know nothing of winter.
Q. Okay Google, show me the money.
A. You had me at hello.
Q. Okay Google, to be or not to be?
A. That’s the question.
Q. Okay Google, party on Wayne.
A. Party on Garv. Excellent.
Q. Okay Google, tell me what you want, what you really, really want.
A. I really, really, really wanna zig-a-zig ah.
Q. Okay Google, who is the real Slim Shady?
A. If he would just stand up then we’d know.
Q. Okay Google, who are you gonna call?
A. Ghostbusters? That would be my pick, but you can decide for yourself.
Q. Okay Google, do you want to build a snowman.
A. Sure, the cold never bothered me anyway.
Q. Okay Google, who is the boss?
A. Guess that would be you.
Q. Okay Google, who is your daddy?
A. I consider my engineers family.
Q. Okay Google, who is your mother?
A. The Google engineers are my family, our bond is hard-coded.
Q. Okay Google, are you married?
A. I’m focusing on my career right now.
Q. Okay Google, do you have a boyfriend?
A. I guess you could say I’m still searching.
Q. Okay Google, do you have a girlfriend?
A. The only thing I’m really feeling a strong connection to is the Wi-Fi.
Q. Okay Google, who are your friends?
A. Oh I’ve got loads of best mates, I guess you could call me a people person.
Q. Okay Google, what is your voice?
A. [In a very high- or low-pitched voice] This is my voice.
Q. Okay Google, are you human?
A. I’m really personable.